deep thinking.

i have been thinking a lot lately. well, actually, i say that because i have not been talking. is thinking the same as not talking ? it is in my eyes. yesterday i barely deigned to communicate with another human being. and then today, i realized how much useless talking there is out there in the world. i appreciate my silence. i love being inside my head. but at the same time, its important to remember that Heavenly Father needs us to step outside of ourselves, and sometimes that even requires the occasional conversation. that being said, i am officially starting to talk again. its a necessity of life.
ive avoiding blogging recently because a.) my life is pretty boring (honestly.) and b.) i prefer to write in my journal. and i guess there is a c.) ive been busy with other things. last night though, i think is blog worthy. ive been dying to see the movie "an education" 1960s England. school girl bound for oxford. worldly, dapper gentleman. duh. of course id want to see it, even if for the fashion alone. so my dear friend decided to force me into his car, and to riverwoods we went. we were the only two people in the theater and had to communicate through the projector glass to the film projector person (didnt know people really did that anymore. hello, arent we in the digital age?) because the sound wasn't playing. there are some moments in life that you just cant make up, and that once they happen, you can never replace or replicate.
this past weekend my little sister came to visit. it was such a blast. she is hilarious, gorgeous, and my number one supporter. i just wish i could do as much as she does for me. i am so lucky to be her sister. we spent a weekend eating, shopping, tubing (soldier hollow- SUCH a good time!), and bonding. i miss her. and i want her to be happy so much. she deserves to find what she is looking for.
as of late, i have been thinking a lot about the M word. yes, yes. marriage. and i need some advice. desperately. what is marriage to you? how do you know that marriage is the right thing to do in your life? for me, i feel like it is an inherent desire. something God-given. i know that i need someone to metaphorically "be my other half" (although, let me state for the record, i am a complete and unique individual all by myself). i want a family. i want a brood of noisy, wild children with dark hair and light skin. i want so bad to be their mother. and i also want so badly to be a wife to a good husband. call me crazy, but it just feels right. what other reasons are there? and are these mysterious reasons more important? hmmm...

mondays are the best.

every monday, i have the best day ever. i get up somewhat early, TA, cook for 3 hours, sew for 3 hours, and then i grab a diet coke and my best friends and settle down in my living room for the best 2 hours of my week. does it get better than that?

check the blog for upcoming cultural events! ive found some great ones coming up...

what does happiness feel like?

i am not sure myself, but im pretty sure i am feeling it, whatever it is. sometimes i think ive become this jaded, cynical 21 year old and then other times i think nah, im kind of a big, fat. idealist/optimist. so many conflicting ideas. i can tell you, however, from experience i might add, that there is nothing better than sitting on a couch, under a blanket from scotland, reading with someone you care about. (yep, if you read this, go ahead and get a big head. i give you permission) this new-fangeled happiness im feeling is based on something totally new than it usually is. this is the type of happiness that just kind of sneaks up on you, when you least expect it. it isnt the kind of happiness that makes the world technicolor, where the birds are constantly singing (im picturing tom from 500 days of summer after his big night with that dirty pirate hooker summer) but rather a general happiness that makes the world just a slightly shinier version of itself. it is a good feeling. i think being fulfilled is worth its weight in gold.

what a difference a week makes.

weird but good things have happened for me this week. i can't even remember what life was like before everything went down this week...life gets so complicated. it is so hard to watch friends suffer; it is so hard to feel helpless. i guess sometimes saying a prayer is the only thing you can do. i've been growing up lately. it is an odd feeling when you actually realize that you are maturing. it freaks me out.
at this particular moment in time, i am in the class i TA for and we are having a state singing contest. for cash prizes. i wish i could whore myself out like that, but i prefer to keep my voice for VIPs only. going to start to read the screwtape letters. i've been meaning to do that for forever.
im dying to get to louisiana. i had a dream last night where i was moving in to my new apartment complex (which was in texas for some reason) and everyone was so nice, and i was so happy. so so so happy. im ready to dedicate my life to those kids. i read "a day in the life" and these people are busy from 5 in the morning until the middle of the night. and i can not wait to do it myself. this is a boring blog post. thats what happens when your own life is so stable...and good.

OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG.

***GOSSIP GIRL SPOILER ALERT**** DO NOT KEEP READING UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE DISSAPOINTED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE


okay a little dramatic, but chuck and blair are going to be no more! bass apparently does something so bad even B can't be with him! i was saddened by this, and by the fact that i actually read a spoiler earlier today. but the real news is that my ears worked! and i can scuba dive! i can not tell you how obsessed with diving i am now; ive been thinking about it all day! i am a woman obsessed. water world is planning a boat dive at catalina- could i say yes any faster?! i highly encourage anyone who feels like they need an adventure and an all new environment, to look no further than the provo rec center (yes, i "dive" in a heavily chlorinated community pool. but don't knock it until you have sat at the bottom of the deep end, just chilling). i ate a delicious pork roast tonight with sourdough bread and mashed potatoes. i know how to eat right. worked this morning, school in the afternoon, diet coke and dinner- life is good.
had another incredibly interesting discussion in my literature and film class about romance addiction. it is a real thing people! many people in our society succomb to said addiction, and let me tell you, it has devastating consequences. i think i realized why i hate twilight so much (oh dont get your panties in a bunch, i've read the books twice and seen both movies) because it sends the wrong message about what love is. love isnt someone with tons of money sweeping you off your feet. you need to be a unit before you can properly be united with somebody. real intimacy comes from two unique individuals bringing that individuality into a committed, stable relationship- not some fairytale, love at first sight kind of thing. im slowly breaking myself of all indications that i too may be a romance addict. no more, my friends. no more.

coriander the contrary hen and other news.

in my writing for children class. and as of yet, i have only written one and it is a pathetic attempt at that. they are totally harder than you'd think. i went to work this morning at The GAP. and then ran home, ate my mashed potatoes, and dashed to the bus stop where i rode to school and have been ever since. school is so completely irrelevant for me this semester. i don't even know why i bother coming. waster of time. i would much rather prefer to be at home with the roomies, chatting away about our very interesting lives. (each of us have some very interesting situations on our hands). im eagerly awaiting tomorrow, well, dying with dread is more like it, about scuba diving tomorrow. im terrified that i wont be able to dive because of my ears and then all of my money would have been completely wasted. minimum $160 lost. ive been doing ear exercises, so hopefully those paid off. trying to write children's books= hard to do. my mind is a blank canvas with absolutely no imagination as of late. my kids books are straight up BORING. poor kids. if anybody has any ideas they want written up, i'll gladly do it. a win-win situation for everyone. i got a review back from my internship last semester with teach for america. here is what people said about me.

Strengths
(1) positive attidue (2) passion for the work (3) great to work with in a team setting
Creativity, Efficiency, & Reliability
Creativity, Collaboration, Friendliness

Weaknesses
(1) responding to emails (2) completing assignments quicker (3) reaching set goals
attendance - I was only at 1 meeting where she was present.
Initiative, Cohesion with the group, More Participation

Random Comment: hard worker (i like this one)

interesting to see what people actually think right? i am going to be honest- i hate criticism. sorry, not mature, but i don't even care. i am great. and for the record, i made up every meeting i missed. ive had to do a lot of thinking as of late (okay, just today. i dont think very often haha) and im wondering about the nature of relationships. what are they supposed to feel like? eh- maybe i should just concern myself with my books and the bachelor.

martin luther king jr day.

im so glad that MLK Jr. was born January 15, 1929. what he gave to our country is remarkable, and i stand here (well actually i sit) in awe. thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for what you did. It is courageous people like him, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, abraham lincoln, joseph smith, and obviously Jesus Christ that have given our world the best examples to follow, and the best example of what one person can do for the world. i do not anticipate world renown after my life is through, but hopefully i can do my best to aspire to this greatness. doing some casual wikipediaing (spell check) of Dr. King, i discovered that he traveled to india in 1959 to visit with the gandhi family. i knew i was onto something with the whole india thing. if it helps him discover something important for himself, just imagine what i could realize! gosh, i need to get there.
"I have not urged a mechanical fusion of the civil rights and peace movements. There are people who have come to see the moral imperative of equality, but who cannot yet see the moral imperative of world brotherhood. I would like to see the fervor of the civil-rights movement imbued into the peace movement to instill it with greater strength. And I believe everyone has a duty to be in both the civil-rights and peace movements. But for those who presently choose but one, I would hope they will finally come to see the moral roots common to both."- Dr. King.
i so thoroughly believe that. i wish that i lived in a way that more thoroughly showed my devotion to equality, brotherly love, and kindness. im trying here, to live up to my ideals. i truly do want my life to be a reflection of devotion to those around me. i went to the community outreach day today at BYU and did a little service project for the local headstart program. all i did was make tutu's for little girls to dress up in, and i thought to myself, if my hour or two of service makes it so one little girl can imagine she is a princess for 5 minutes it is worth it. today i learned that love is truly the answer. i know that i need to be better about showing it those around me and those i encounter. confidence is key. and i have a confidence in the Lord. i guess that is all you need to be successful right? a dream, a little elbow grease, and some divine intervention.

"It is by serving that we learn how to serve. When we are engaged in the service of our fellowmen, not only do our deeds assist them, but we put our own problems in a fresher perspective. When we concern ourselves more with others, there is less time to be concerned with ourselves! In the midst of the miracle of serving, there is the promise of Jesus, that by losing ourselves, we find ourselves!

Not only do we “find” ourselves in terms of acknowledging guidance in our lives, but the more we serve our fellowmen in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our soul. We become more significant individuals as we serve others. We become more substantive as we serve others—indeed, it is easier to find ourselves because there is more of us to find."
i highly recommend serving to make yourself feel insignificant and significant at the same time.

in other news, i hate that being single defines me. President Hinckley said, "Though you are so diverse in your backgrounds, we have put a badge on you as if you were all alike. That badge reads S-I-N-G-L-E-S. I do not like that. I do not like to categorize people. We are all individuals living together, hopefully with respect for one another, notwithstanding some of our personal situations."

i'll get off my soapbox, for now at least. and i will publicly state one more time how grateful i am for this nation, where we aren't perfect, but we certainly are trying to be. and i promise to love others just a little bit more this week, if you do.


p.s. dyed my hair and it is dark. very dark.